“Is This Even Me?”, How to Spot the ‘False Self’ (& start coming home to yourself✨)
Do you ever feel like you’re living a life that doesn’t quite fit? Like you’re playing a role, keeping people happy, doing what’s expected - yet underneath, there’s this quiet ache, this whisper: Where am I in all of this? More importantly, who am I in all of this?
That feeling might be the ‘False Self’ talking.
Donald Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, first spoke about the ‘False Self’ to describe the version of ourselves we build to survive environments where we couldn’t fully be who we were. If, as children, our real needs, emotions, or expressions weren’t welcomed or were even punished - we learned to adapt. To hide. To twist ourselves into whatever shape would keep us safe, accepted, or loved.
And that adaptation? It works. It keeps you functioning. People might even think you’ve got it all together. But over time, the cost can be high: emptiness, low self-worth, disconnection, burnout, and the sense that life is passing by without you being able to fully experience it. Indeed, Winnicott believed that the only way to feel truly alive, creative and feel ‘real’, depends on finding the ‘True Self’.
Signs you might be living from the ‘False Self:’
· You’re constantly trying to get everything “right” - at work, in relationships, in life.
· You’re endlessly tuned into what others want or expect from you.
· You rarely say what you really think or feel. Sometimes, you’re not even sure what that even is.
· You’re exhausted by the performance, but feel unable to drop the mask.
· You feel flat, numb, or invisible, even if everything looks “fine” on the outside.
· You’re haunted by the sense that something’s missing - and it might be you. (this feeling is the one I feel can often precede getting into therapy)
Sound familiar? If so, you’re not broken. You’re not dramatic. And you’re definitely not alone. The ‘False Self’ forms when being real wasn’t an option, because - it wasn’t safe. It's important to understand that it is a survival strategy and not a character flaw. The trouble is, it can become so deeply embedded that you mistake it for your actual identity. That’s where psychotherapy comes in.
What Helps?
You often can’t think your way out of the false self - but you can begin to feel your way through it. Slowing down and noticing your feelings is an important first step. Noticing how you talk to yourself (is it kind?) can also be helpful. If it is available to you, therapy ideally creates a space where you don’t have to perform. Where there’s less pressure to be "fine." Where your thoughts, feelings, and even your confusion are all welcome. Slowly, the real self – what Winnicott called your ‘True Self’ – can hopefully start to feel ‘safe enough’ to come out of hiding. Part of helping the false self feel safe enough to soften is the regularity of the therapeutic hour - what analysts call ‘The Frame’. This refers to the consistent time, place, and structure of each session, designed to support a sense of stability and model secure attachment so the real or ’true’ self begins to emerge.
The hope is that through this therapeutic process you will find that the real you isn’t ‘too much’. Maybe you don’t need to be more agreeable, more productive, more polished. Maybe you actually need room just to be. That’s what healing can look like - less pretending, more presence.
If this resonates, it might be time to explore what you’ve had to hide just to survive - and what life could look like if you didn’t have to anymore.💫
If you are interested in exploring psychotherapy, I offer therapy in Salisbury, Wiltshire. Please enquire here or email info@lisamarie-therapy.co.uk to find out more.