How does ambivalence impact therapy?
Therapy can be difficult for a number of reasons. It is becoming increasingly rare to sit with someone who has their undivided attention focused on being with you with few distractions. Over a number of sessions, it may feel increasingly difficult to face parts of yourself that you didn’t even know you didn’t want to face. This is normal. It can be something we refer to in therapy as ambivalence.
Ambivalence can be defined as ‘the state of having two opposing feelings at the same time’ (Cambridge Dictionary). In therapy, this can mean both wanting to go to therapy, but also not wanting to go to therapy. It can also mean having feelings of both like and dislike, love and hate, attraction and repulsion towards your therapist.
It can be quite a strange experience to realise you are not wanting to go to a service that you are paying for! Sometimes, this does mean you need to re-evaluate – is this the right therapy or therapist? Is it the right time? However, it is also worth considering if it is part of your process. Lots of the ways we think, feel and act have developed over time to help us to survive. Sometimes habits begin to hold us back. For example, if you learned to keep your guard up in an unsafe environment, this is probably how you survived. This same mechanism may now keep you trapped as an adult as you may not even know how to let safe people in. This can lead to a sense of isolation and even despair over time. To work on these processes, there can be psychological defences emerge which can manifest as:
A sudden or growing disinterest in therapy
Devaluing then discarding the therapist and the work
Something else appearing to be the elusive solution - suddenly a much shinier alternative.
If this happens to you, don’t worry. It may be a signal to stop therapy which is something you will need to decide, but, if you feel you can tolerate the process, it may also be a fantastic opportunity for you and your therapist to work on your defences as they arise in real-time. Some questions to ask yourself:
Have we talked about ambivalence?
Is the issue that feeling more ‘seen’, registers as discomfort? Making me feel like I should leave the process?
Do I have a habit of getting into action and changing things when I feel discomfort with the action giving me temporary relief, but, never really solving the underlying issues?
Psychotherapy is a relational process. Part of the reason there is emphasis on the time, place and frequency of the meetings is that over time parts of yourself will emerge in the relationship with your therapist. This can feel like some of the masks we wear beginning to crack. This can feel understandably daunting, as masks are usually worn for a reason. When therapy is sporadic, it becomes much easier to put parts of yourself away again, and stay somewhat ‘anonymous’.
True relational psychotherapy requires you to stay with the process, even when it feels uncomfortable*. The outcome can be recovering parts of yourself that you didn’t even know were there and, ultimately, creating a more resilient & robust sense of self that will underpin your future.
*This obviously does not apply to situations where you feel at risk or there is physical inappropriateness. Please always leave any of these situations immediately. Also, sometimes therapy just isn’t working & it is always OK to leave no matter where you are in your journey.